PRESS START

READY? FIGHT.

Today is The Gayest Party Ever.

Things are about to heat up.

See you dudes soon.

The Malon to my Gurin…

Save it for the rematch…

The Good Old Days.

Justice – “Stress”

a purely badass video. obviously commentary on french youth related violence, but still. badass.

Saturday Night Slam Masters

What a shitty Saturday night. I mean, it’s cool and all, but wow. Dead. I had possibly one of the nerdiest nights ever. Aside from a vapid masturbation routine, all i did was watch Royal Rumble ‘91 and play WWF Royal Rumble on the computer.

You can’t tell but i’m Crush. i’m fighting Macho Man in the front left area.

I dunno if you guys remember Crush but he was once part of the outstanding tag team group The Demolition. Along with Smash and Ax, these guys came out in S&M gear with studded leather costume and spiked black leather masks. Beneath that, some intimidating paint. Then Crush gayed it up and went with this fucking malibu look. Faggot.

Addiction Level: That’s Some Good Shit

All right, so i’m pretty goddamn addicted. So addicted that since i started this post by uploading those 2 images, i’ve played probably another 3 hours of the game until now. Any of you guys playing, upload some of your stats. I’m curious as to where you are in the game. Especially you Drake. Unless you’re just X-Box Live-ing it the entire time. Here’s some current randomness for you Niko’s in the circle.

Game Progress: 31.88%

Missions Passed: 42

Playing Time: 17:58:13

Addiction Level: Wake up Buzz (was formerly the post title before i went back to play)

Longest Non-Stop Game: 08:58:32

Favorite Radio Station: The Journey

Brucie Respect: 71% (obviously up since original post–see fig. below)

Spent Buying Clothes: $2,896

Spent on dates: $170

Spent in gun shop: $4, 555 (lol.)

Michelle fondness: 99.00%

Bullets Fired: 5, 504

QUB3D High Score: 7750

Pigeons Exterminated: 1

Those are just some random stats i chose. Post some of yours. I wanna feel like i’m not the only one fucking wasting away with this fucking game. I keep having deja vu due to lack of sleep. It sucks.

Those are just some random stats i chose. Post some of yours. I wanna feel like i’m not the only one fucking wasting away with this fucking game. I keep having deja vu due to lack of sleep. It sucks.

Those are just some random stats i chose. Post some of yours. I wanna feel like i’m not the only one fucking wasting away with this fucking game. I keep having deja vu due to lack of sleep. It sucks.

Those are just some random stats i chose. Post some of yours. I wanna feel like i’m not the only one fucking wasting away with this fucking game. I keep having deja vu due to lack of sleep. It sucks.

Those are just some random stats i chose. Post some of yours. I wanna feel like i’m not the only one fucking wasting away with this fucking game. I keep having deja vu due to lack of sleep. It sucks.

Those are just some random stats i chose. Post some of yours. I wanna feel like i’m not the only one fucking wasting away with this fucking game. I keep having deja vu due to lack of sleep. It sucks.

…wait.

OMG (oh my god!)

So…i left dollar nite, went to Green Room and left there to get to Wal-Mart at about 12:55am. Kevin joins me since i’m driving him home. To make a long story short, i was the first person over there to get GTA IV. It was nerdily awesome. ALSO, i got a PC gamepad for my computer to play arcade games. It’s an X-Box 360 controller but it turns into a PC controller as well via USB input. Fuck yeah.

Bottom line…
I got Grand Theft Auto 4 super early. I may be unavailable for a few days/months.

Just kidding…but not really.

Give Me Liberty City…Or Give Me Death!

I’m coming into Lafayette for Dollar Nite tonight, so those of you going shall see me there. I also plan on staying in late tonight because i’m going to attempt to raid Wal-Mart for GTA 4 sometime after midnight. Wish me luck.

I’m not going to make an announcement on facebook, but if any of you read this and come up to me at dollar nite and tell me the password “Belmont,” then a Jäger shot is all yours.

If you haven’t yet seen the GameTrailers video review of GTA4 yet, then head over here RIGHT NOW. Even if you’re not a huge fan of the series, watch this video and tell me that you didn’t shit yourself just a little.

See you guys tonight. w00t, nigs.

ORCA-strated Killing

Eager to try and get your hands on that Total Carnage prize money? Well, like i told you…it won’t be easy. But in fairness, a lot of you haven’t played (let alone heard of) Total Chaos. It wouldn’t be fair to send you into battle without any sort of training or help. I mean, who do you think i am…George Bush?

To win either 20 Dollars or a pack of beer (see contest rules in below post), you have to defeat the “mother of all bosses”, the Orca. When this game calls Orca that, they’re not kidding. Again, this was 1991, so nobody had yet to battle Sniper Wolf or Sephiroth, but regardless, Orca is one tough fucker.

As promised, here is a helpful guide to defeating the Orca without looking like a total noob. I mean…remember…there will be girls at this party. You have to put the Carnage in Total Carnage if you really want to impress them.

So let’s get to it!

Boot Camp Basics

Now before battling the Orca, you need to know the basics to surviving the grueling war zone that is Level 1. If you look at the image above, you can learn a few things about the game.

• There are CONSTANTLY enemies on screen. Most of them will shoot basic machine guns your way. These are fairly easy to dodge. Other characters may use flamethrowers, missiles, or as seen above, a turret gun. For characters that use flamethrowers, they’re easy to avoid as long as you stand far away from them. Characters who use explosive weapons like missiles can be easily killed as well. Almost all regular enemies can be taken down with a single shot, but remember, so can you. It’s best to think of this game as a puzzle. You have to constantly be aware of your surroundings with multiple enemies shooting at you. Most of the time, it’s easy to maneuver yourself between the gunfire and still take down all of the enemies. Missiles and other projectiles can be blown up with a single shot before they hit you.
• Be aware of bombs. Near that cluster of soldiers on the right side of the picture there is a gray mound on the ground. That’s a bomb. If you step on it, you lose a man. This game constantly drops weapons, ammo, and power-ups for you to grab, but you have to be careful in areas with bombs. Sometimes, the game will try to trick you by dropping tons of score multipliers like jewels and American flags or even ammo and guns for you to pick up, but be careful. Sometimes they drop them over bombs just to fool you in case you weren’t paying attention.
• One of the best power-ups you can grab in the game are blue rings (not pictured). When you see a blue ring, snatch it! Like on SMASH TV, these give you invulnerability for 5 to 10 seconds and surround you with a three green rings. When the rings decrease to a single red ring, it’s about to expire. While in the green you can simply walk through enemies or over bombs and no harm will come to you but will kill the enemies on touch. These blue rings are dropped often during boss battles so grab them as often as possible!

• Referring to the above picture, check out your HUD (heads up display). Notice that above your score is a gray and blue box with “x9″ next to it. These are your bombs. You can carry 9 at one time. You simply drop them by pressing any of L or R buttons on top of the PS2 controller. When you drop a bomb, you are given one second of invulnerability (a red ring). This comes in handy in boss fights or against a large group of enemies. Bombs can also be used to blow up grounded bombs in case you want to clear the area before you accidentally step on one. Like the game says, “Don’t Be a Bomb Hog”. Bombs constantly appear for you to pick up, so don’t worry about running out.

The Orca

The Orca is constructed of 6 weak spots. Depending on your level of ability with Total Carnage, this boss battle could take you anywhere between 5 to 10 minutes. You could eventually beat the Orca by shooting it non-stop, but that would involve many Continues and no prizes. Using the basic tips i gave above (blue rings, pick-ups, and the second long bomb drop invulnerability), here is a helpful guide to beating the Orca with minimal damage.

• Start with the Orca’s arm turrets. In the beginning of the battle this is his primary attack mechanism. He’ll blast away machine gun fire as long as he has to in order to take you down. Grab as many weapons that drop as you can. Particularly a missile launcher or grenade launcher for better damage. Work his arms individually with your weapons while also taking the time to drop bombs beneath his arms and then running away before your 1-second shield runs out. Try and remain distant from him and away from being straight on with him at all times.
• Once the two arms are destroyed, work the bloody stumps of his arms that remain. This shouldn’t take as long as the turrets and is a lot simpler to accomplish.
• When you’re finished with that, you need to take out both of his eyes. The best weapon for this is any sort of cannon gun. Particularly one with rapid fire. This will be a little trickier because you will be tempted to get in front of him to do this. While you may need to, you have to be aware of his tongue move. A classic boss defense, the fluttering tongues is a staple in Midway history. He’ll launch a dozen or so tongues at once that will fly out towards all ends of the lower screen. This is why it’s best to stay to his side as much as you can. Make sure you stay on your toes though because as he gets taken down more and more, he begins using his jump mechanism to squash you. If he starts jumping into the air, keep your distance and watch his shadow to determine where he’ll land so you can avoid it.
• Once his eyes are gone, finally work the mini-head at the top of his body. It’s not a very strong part of his body and just emits lasers and simple fire against you. Again, best weapon for this would just be dropping bombs and using any sort of cannon to reach the head. Beware though, for when only his mini head is left, he’ll begin jumping around like crazy to kill you. Work the head until it explodes and then step back as far as you can and watch in glory as he withers to nothing but a bloody stump of a mouth.

This pretty much sums up how to defeat the Orca. There are perhaps other little tricks of the trade that can apply, but i’ll leave those to you to figure out. Now get to studying!