OMG (oh my god!)

April 29, 2008

So…i left dollar nite, went to Green Room and left there to get to Wal-Mart at about 12:55am. Kevin joins me since i’m driving him home. To make a long story short, i was the first person over there to get GTA IV. It was nerdily awesome. ALSO, i got a PC gamepad for my computer to play arcade games. It’s an X-Box 360 controller but it turns into a PC controller as well via USB input. Fuck yeah.

Bottom line…
I got Grand Theft Auto 4 super early. I may be unavailable for a few days/months.

Just kidding…but not really.

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Give Me Liberty City…Or Give Me Death!

April 28, 2008

I’m coming into Lafayette for Dollar Nite tonight, so those of you going shall see me there. I also plan on staying in late tonight because i’m going to attempt to raid Wal-Mart for GTA 4 sometime after midnight. Wish me luck.

I’m not going to make an announcement on facebook, but if any of you read this and come up to me at dollar nite and tell me the password “Belmont,” then a Jäger shot is all yours.

If you haven’t yet seen the GameTrailers video review of GTA4 yet, then head over here RIGHT NOW. Even if you’re not a huge fan of the series, watch this video and tell me that you didn’t shit yourself just a little.

See you guys tonight. w00t, nigs.


ORCA-strated Killing

April 26, 2008

Eager to try and get your hands on that Total Carnage prize money? Well, like i told you…it won’t be easy. But in fairness, a lot of you haven’t played (let alone heard of) Total Chaos. It wouldn’t be fair to send you into battle without any sort of training or help. I mean, who do you think i am…George Bush?

To win either 20 Dollars or a pack of beer (see contest rules in below post), you have to defeat the “mother of all bosses”, the Orca. When this game calls Orca that, they’re not kidding. Again, this was 1991, so nobody had yet to battle Sniper Wolf or Sephiroth, but regardless, Orca is one tough fucker.

As promised, here is a helpful guide to defeating the Orca without looking like a total noob. I mean…remember…there will be girls at this party. You have to put the Carnage in Total Carnage if you really want to impress them.

So let’s get to it!

Boot Camp Basics

Now before battling the Orca, you need to know the basics to surviving the grueling war zone that is Level 1. If you look at the image above, you can learn a few things about the game.

  • There are CONSTANTLY enemies on screen. Most of them will shoot basic machine guns your way. These are fairly easy to dodge. Other characters may use flamethrowers, missiles, or as seen above, a turret gun. For characters that use flamethrowers, they’re easy to avoid as long as you stand far away from them. Characters who use explosive weapons like missiles can be easily killed as well. Almost all regular enemies can be taken down with a single shot, but remember, so can you. It’s best to think of this game as a puzzle. You have to constantly be aware of your surroundings with multiple enemies shooting at you. Most of the time, it’s easy to maneuver yourself between the gunfire and still take down all of the enemies. Missiles and other projectiles can be blown up with a single shot before they hit you.
  • Be aware of bombs. Near that cluster of soldiers on the right side of the picture there is a gray mound on the ground. That’s a bomb. If you step on it, you lose a man. This game constantly drops weapons, ammo, and power-ups for you to grab, but you have to be careful in areas with bombs. Sometimes, the game will try to trick you by dropping tons of score multipliers like jewels and American flags or even ammo and guns for you to pick up, but be careful. Sometimes they drop them over bombs just to fool you in case you weren’t paying attention.
  • One of the best power-ups you can grab in the game are blue rings (not pictured). When you see a blue ring, snatch it! Like on SMASH TV, these give you invulnerability for 5 to 10 seconds and surround you with a three green rings. When the rings decrease to a single red ring, it’s about to expire. While in the green you can simply walk through enemies or over bombs and no harm will come to you but will kill the enemies on touch. These blue rings are dropped often during boss battles so grab them as often as possible!
  • Referring to the above picture, check out your HUD (heads up display). Notice that above your score is a gray and blue box with “x9” next to it. These are your bombs. You can carry 9 at one time. You simply drop them by pressing any of L or R buttons on top of the PS2 controller. When you drop a bomb, you are given one second of invulnerability (a red ring). This comes in handy in boss fights or against a large group of enemies. Bombs can also be used to blow up grounded bombs in case you want to clear the area before you accidentally step on one. Like the game says, “Don’t Be a Bomb Hog”. Bombs constantly appear for you to pick up, so don’t worry about running out.

The Orca

The Orca is constructed of 6 weak spots. Depending on your level of ability with Total Carnage, this boss battle could take you anywhere between 5 to 10 minutes. You could eventually beat the Orca by shooting it non-stop, but that would involve many Continues and no prizes. Using the basic tips i gave above (blue rings, pick-ups, and the second long bomb drop invulnerability), here is a helpful guide to beating the Orca with minimal damage.

  • Start with the Orca’s arm turrets. In the beginning of the battle this is his primary attack mechanism. He’ll blast away machine gun fire as long as he has to in order to take you down. Grab as many weapons that drop as you can. Particularly a missile launcher or grenade launcher for better damage. Work his arms individually with your weapons while also taking the time to drop bombs beneath his arms and then running away before your 1-second shield runs out. Try and remain distant from him and away from being straight on with him at all times.
  • Once the two arms are destroyed, work the bloody stumps of his arms that remain. This shouldn’t take as long as the turrets and is a lot simpler to accomplish.
  • When you’re finished with that, you need to take out both of his eyes. The best weapon for this is any sort of cannon gun. Particularly one with rapid fire. This will be a little trickier because you will be tempted to get in front of him to do this. While you may need to, you have to be aware of his tongue move. A classic boss defense, the fluttering tongues is a staple in Midway history. He’ll launch a dozen or so tongues at once that will fly out towards all ends of the lower screen. This is why it’s best to stay to his side as much as you can. Make sure you stay on your toes though because as he gets taken down more and more, he begins using his jump mechanism to squash you. If he starts jumping into the air, keep your distance and watch his shadow to determine where he’ll land so you can avoid it.
  • Once his eyes are gone, finally work the mini-head at the top of his body. It’s not a very strong part of his body and just emits lasers and simple fire against you. Again, best weapon for this would just be dropping bombs and using any sort of cannon to reach the head. Beware though, for when only his mini head is left, he’ll begin jumping around like crazy to kill you. Work the head until it explodes and then step back as far as you can and watch in glory as he withers to nothing but a bloody stump of a mouth.

This pretty much sums up how to defeat the Orca. There are perhaps other little tricks of the trade that can apply, but i’ll leave those to you to figure out. Now get to studying!


“Big Money! Big Prizes!”

April 25, 2008

New Contest Announcement!

Why should people in the tournament only be the ones rewarded? Even though the quote i used for this article’s title is for SMASH T.V., i think it still applies to Total Carnage (being it’s the sequel and all).

I’m not going to lie to you. Total Carnage is hard. It’s quite hard. But it’s only hard if you remind yourself that you get infinite credits in this arcade version so it doesn’t matter how often you die. If you pretend your last quarter has gone to this game, then you just might play with all of the courage in your militant soul. General Ahkboob isn’t gonna kill himself, ya know?

So here’s the contest: The first person to get through Stage 1 of Total Carnage without using a Continue will receive 10  Dollars. Now, here are two stipulations.

1.) The Bad Stipulation: The first level of Total Carnage contains two “shortcuts” in it. You may not use those to get to the end of the level.

2.) The Good Stipulation, you only have to reach the boss of the first level, Orca, without using a Continue, to win the prize.

However, if you can beat the Orca without STILL using your first Continue , i’ll award you 20 Dollars. If you defeat the Orca without using any more than THREE continues, you win either a 12-Pack of Domestic Beer, or a 6 pack of Import Beer of your choice to be redeemed at any time of your liking.

Note: This Contest Only Applies to a Single Player Game of Total Carnage. A 2-Player Game Award may be in the works though, stick around to find out.

For those of you eager to try this but fear you may die easily because you watched the two videos i posted of Total Carnage, fear not. I will soon be updating with a few tips to get through the game easier as well as a helpful guide to defeating the Orca.

Stay tuned!


Metal Slug Guide

April 25, 2008

As i did with NARC, i’ll be posting WHY Metal Slug is one of the best games ever made. It’s so awesome that even the controls are simple. A baby with down syndrome could figure it out (ask my baby brother!). As per usual, click for large ass scans.


N.A.R.C.ology

April 24, 2008

I remember the first time i played Midway/Williams’ 1988 shoot ’em up, “NARC”. I was in Aladdin’s Castle at the mall and i was about 7 or 8 years old. As soon as i entered the coins and hit the start button, my blue-clad Player 1 came breezing down a ghetto street in a hot red sports car. As soon as he jumped out, guns were blazing. After i took down my first batch of homeless men with the standard machine gun, i tried a different button. I shot a missile from my gun and blew these bums into oblivion. Torched bodies fell from the sky. Severed body parts flew about. I was in fucking heaven. (Seems a tad morbid for an 8 year old, but keep in mind i was writing short horror stories about my family dying when i was in pre-school). From then on, NARC  was my favorite game.

I only got to play it a handful of times in the arcade after that day, but i was hooked like the heroin junkies in Level 2. I was still drawing comics of NARC when i began seeing commercials for a Nintendo adaptation by Acclaim.

Needless to say i was ALMOST able to get a decent erection (remember, i was like 9 by then) and hurried out to rent it ASAP. I remember going to Video Center with my mom and surprisingly it was IN! Chances are I probably rented a horror movie while i was there too (they had a GREAT selection), but that story’s for my other blog 😉 . The NES version was just as fucking hard as the arcade and was fucking super hard to beat. Unfortunately Acclaim had to tone down the violence in the game considering that “NARC” was one of the first VIOLENT VIOLENT games made. Unfortunately the graphics were toned down (of course, it was 8-bits), the violence was muted a bit, and you ran out of ammo and missiles like crazy. In the arcade, the bad guys dropped a LOT more for you to pick up.

Compare with the above Level 1 arcade video at your own leisure

It was this game that destined my future at that time. I wanted nothing more than to be Player 2 (he had a red suit) shooting bums and junkies and killer clowns while picking up money, bags of coke, and trying to take down the notorious and fucking hard-ass final boss “Mr. Big”. That was until i realized that Player 2 was black. Then i wanted to be the blue dude again. Needless to say, “NARC” has lived up over the past 20 years to still be an avid favorite among gamers. Midway attempted to remake it a few years ago, but the game was reviewed horribly and the price dropped to 20 dollars within a day or two of its release (i was working at Best Buy at the time. i remember this shit).

But with emulators like MAME and the multiplatform hit “Midway Arcade Treasures 2,” fans can raise their heads high when their friends call them a narc. (ASHLEY RUSH, LOL)

Shit, it even inspired some dudes to make a movie a few years ago. The beginning is hilarious as well as the ending, but you can skim the middle if you like.

Remember kids…just say no. Unless it’s coke, pot, or acid.

The intro to the game says “Winners Don’t Do Drugs”. Funny, i beat Narc like 8 times.

oh yeah. multiple copies, bitch.


Soul Calibur Guides

April 24, 2008

For the newbies or just those of you who need a reminder of the controls for Soul Calibur, i’ve taken the liberty of scanning the guidebook for SC3. (Note: the basic controls are the same in SC2 and SC3, the only differences in the game are a few of the moves of certain characters, particularly those who have extended weapons like Ivy Valentine’s Sword-Chain-Whip. Everything else listed here is A-OK and standard for any SC game.) I would suggest you read over these manuals while holding a PS2 remote in your pale hands so you can practice basic strategy at this time. This emulation will help you when you need it most. Remember, practice makes perfect. Non-practice makes Voldo.

NOTE: Click on the images TWICE for FULL VIEW!!! One click takes you to a larger thumbnail, another click takes you to the actual FULL SCAN where you can magnify the page to see everything.